The Luckiest.

 

I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

 

 

I have been reduced to a stage where I relate to corny lyrics as easy as Oprah to her black counterparts. The past 21 days have seen my mood fluctuate more frequently than a hormonal teenage girl, grins have been plastered across my face for most parts of the day and every time the phone rings, I secretly wish it was you on the other line.

I am happy. I am genuinely, honestly, all cards on the table happy. I have to admit, I had my doubts at first and they’re still lingering in a corner of my head. Afterall, I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation back in 2007 and honestly, coming out of it hurt more than it was worth. But upon knowing you – every conversation, every rendezvouz has just sunk me deeper and deeper into this pit that I wouldn’t have any idea where to start crawling out of.

 

What if I’d been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I’d be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

So I’m staying put. I’m going to dig deeper and deeper, and maybe one day I’ll strike gold. I’m taking a chance with you, even if in the back of my mind, I secretly know that “one day” and where I stand now are world’s apart. Even if that “one day” never comes and I realize what I’ve been digging all along was my own grave. Even if every bit about what we have is so undefinable, so unreal and filled with uncertainties – I’m taking a chance with you.

You have to know, I am cynical, jaded at best. It is a trait that has stood between me and risks I could’ve taken in the past. It is also the same trait that for some weird, unknown reason I constantly overlooked ever since I knew you. You have taken the cynic in me and reduced it into a ditzy school girl. And I’ll be honest with you, I’m not a ditzy school girl. I don’t do ditzy school girl. I am smart, I am witty, and as crazy as it sounds – I am strong. I draw my own silver lining and I don’t mind eating my lunch alone. I’d rather grow old with 50 cats and a box full of yarn balls because they’re cheaper in bulk. I hate children and I work well with circumstances. I have no qualms with being a conformist. I do coffee, I do cigarettes, I do alcohol and I do sex. When shit happens, I deal. I fall knowing that I will pick myself up.

 

Next door there’s an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I’m sorry, I know that’s a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

 

So no, I’m not a ditzy school girl. But you, you came into my life and took that away from me. An exchange of glances was all it took to suck me into this whirlpool of events that happened so fast and before I knew it, here I am, with my heart, brain and testicles tugging at different directions. You yanked me out of the know and put me alongside the clueless and the hopeless.

With you, there is no 5-year plan I can work with. There is simply no plan, not even for a second. For once in my life, I am living in the now. I am stuck in the present, leaving tomorrow for tomorrow to worry about.

And right now? I am happy, in a more-than-contented, I-want-tomorrow-to-come-faster, I-hope-you’re-happy-too kind of way. I am so happy my positivity disgusts me, but yes – I am happy.

 

 

 

~

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

~