Exactly a year ago, I was that boy who saw the end of the year as a reason to party, to indulge in good food and wine, to dissolve myself into the merry crowd and the thumpa thumpa. And of course, the mandatory Christmas sex. I wanted to experience the life of the party, even if it meant watching by the side as envious as an elephant. I wanted the alcohol and cigarettes to drain every last ounce of energy left in me, end the year with a bang and start the new one with a hangover.
Trace back 365 days to this very day, throw me in a group of awesome company, the kind that breeds throwing-my-head-back laughters and excellent conversations, a couple of drinks until I start babbling and I honestly couldn’t ask for more.
Iggy asked me over Sunday morning brunch and severe lack of sleep “if you could use one word to describe this year, what’d it be?”
It was an easy question. There was no doubt about any answer but “change.”
2007 has indeed been an eventful year. Sure, we all change as age ripens. But I believe this year has seen me grew more than any other. I’ve experienced loss in my own way. In love, in life and in friendship. Cultivating a relationship with anyone at all, is indeed, a bitch. I feared loss, so much so that I anticipated it, threshing on the same theory behind why people prepare for natural disasters. I believed that knowing that it will hurt, makes the hurt easier to deal with.
Oh how wrong I was. How fucking wrong.
Knowing that it will hurt crushes any chance that it just might not. And 2007, along with the people I’ve lost to my insecurities, are living, breathing examples of my mistakes.
I’ve also come to terms with coping. People, like you and me both, do stupid, stupid things to deal with misery. It’s wrong, it’s so wrong. But it works. You take your mind away from the stuff that hurts, even if it’s just for a second or two. Sometimes it hurts so much, you’d kill for a second or two for it to stop hurting.
But eventually, it does stop hurting, as far-fetched as it might seem. You’ll gather enough strength to pick yourself up, only to realise that it’s not the same anymore. There’s a hole in what used to be your ever-perfect life. And this hole, nothing that you know at that point of time is going to fit. It’s a big, black circle of nothing and the only way you’re going to fill that hole up – is through change. Through adaption of the doors that have closed and the windows that have opened – you change.
So 2007, has been about change. About adapting to change, about loss and about me. So thank you, to everyone who has stood by me this year, hurt me and watched me picked the pieces back up together.
This entry, is for you.
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