The rain dribbled down the sides of the umbrella as I watched, at the same time careful not to step into any puddles. The night trampled on, the streetlights stood strong. I reached into the pocket for a cigarette, stumbled with my heavy fingers for a little. The road was scarce of life, except for a couple of cars spurring by with their headlights shining for their lives, followed by a prolonged silence. I stopped my feet as the rain slowly came to a halt, welcoming an undistubred tranquil. I tried to collect my thoughts a little, musing about the events this rainy Monday night saw. To no avail, apparently.
The uncovered hush of the night caught me in a trance. I started to wonder when was the last time I stood before all this tranquility and told myself “This is life. This is it.” I traced back from weeks, to months, to years.
Years. I amused myself with the extent. It’s been years. The amusement disappeared soon after as I realised how easily the term ‘pathetic’ could fit into my situation right now. I’ve been revolving in a revolution of shit for the past few years. With Jin Xian, the guys I used to hang out with, with the ”Breasties”, Karin, Yvette, Sheena, Allan and now this. For every person I ever loved, a wound I have never really forgave or forgotten was chiselled in, deep and bitterly.
The transition my life has witnessed ever since I was introduced to the term ‘hurt’ has felt like a lifetime, yet right now, the gaping truth I am forced to acknowledge is that I am barely through a quarter of my lifetime. Yet I feel as if I have seen so much, learnt too many lessons and lost too many chances to love.
I start to doubt if I had any right to accuse you of making a muddle of your life, for I do not see how I have made mine any better. But the night had seen enough guilt and doubts. I sloppily brushed the thought aside as I savoured the last few seconds of the placidity that laid before me, flicked my cigarette onto a nearby bush and advanced on this journey home, and beyond.
Recent Comments